The Dullard Gazette

#SnarkWeek

2011-08-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

These two sharks walked into a bar. They ate it.

Overheard, Santa Monica Bay: "Does this remora make me look fat?"

These two sharks walked into a gay bar. They ate it.

Science Corner: Sharks, like many humans, cannot comprehend the success of the Black Eyed Peas

These two sharks walked into a biker bar, thought it was another gay bar. So they ate it.

These two sharks walked into the Democratic National Convention. They ate it.

Cooking Tip: Shark-Finn Soup is two parts shark to one part Finlander.

These two sharks walked into a dance club. The DJ sucked, so they left.

Just kidding. They ate it.

Kick-Ass

2010-08-07T02:11:00.000-07:00

Pretty, pretty good.

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?

2010-02-26T00:28:00.000-08:00

Uh-oh! Somebody's in twouble....

I miss blogging

2010-02-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

Now that it seems kind of charmingly retro, maybe I'll take it up again....

Dullard DVD review: "Man On Wire"

2009-06-07T17:46:00.001-07:00

"Man On Wire" is like "Ocean's 11." Only instead of trying to break into a subterranean vault in Las Vegas to make the big score, the team in "Man On Wire" is trying to get to the top of the World Trade Center to stun the world.

That stunner is the simple yet insane act of a man walking on a cable between the two towers, more than 100 stories above the streets of lower Manhattan. Getting there was the hard part, and that's the heart of much of this documentary.

The origins, planning and training of the WTC mission unfold in "Man On Wire" in three ways: through archival footage, contemporary interviews with the man and his accomplices, and re-enactments. Part of the challenges are physical, others personal.

It all meshes together in a suspenseful way, even though we know that the wirewalker, Philippe Petit, eventually realizes his goal of sneaking into the towers, setting up his cable and walking that line to the amusement and fascination of New Yorkers and the world.

The fate of the towers themselves is never addressed in "Man On Wire." This movie is not about that day in 2001. It's about a day in August 1974, and an event that will never happen again.

DULLARD RATING: Rocks.

Meg White gets hitched

2009-05-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

To the son of Patti Smith.

The piano as status symbol

2009-05-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

My grandmother still has a piano in the living room, but Franko moved his to the studio. It all means something, according to this LAT article.

Penn and Teller to be judges on "Top Chef"

2009-05-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

According to Penn's Twitter feed. It could quite possibly be the best "Top Chef" ever, if not one of greatest moments in TV history.

LISTS: Top 3 songs about child abuse

2009-05-12T11:46:00.000-07:00

No one likes child abuse, including rock stars. Here are the top three songs about the topic, listed "countdown" style. Curiously, all three are sung by women.

3. "What's The Matter Here," 10,000 Maniacs. The leadoff track to "In My Tribe" finds Natalie Merchant in an uncharacteristically subtle mode. She tells the tale of abuse from the view of an observer who is apparently able to ask the titular question, yet unable to intervene. Hear it here. (Merchant solo version)

Key line: "And instead of love and the feel of warmth, you've given him these cuts and sores that don't heal with time or age."

2. "Luka," Suzanne Vega. The biggest hit of Vega's erratic career, this song is also perhaps the most famous one about child abuse. It's also sung from the first-person perspective, making it all the more wrenching. Hear it here.

Key line: "They only hit until you cry, and after that, you don't ask why."

1. "Hell Is For Children," Pat Benatar. The tight-panted songstress stepped back from her oversexed image to take on a maternal role in this track. Some took the title literally, perceiving it as an ode to Satan. But a cursory reading of the lyrics shows that Benatar was hardly sending our little ones to eternal damnation. She cares — and the song rocks. Hear it here.

Key line: "It's all so confusing, this brutal abusing. They blacken your eyes and then apologize."

Movie review: "Star Trek"

2009-05-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

The reboot of "Star Trek" tries to blend the origins format of "Batman Begins" with an action-minded storyline that recalls "The Wrath of Khan." It largely succeeds.

Director J.J. Abrams has brought in part of his "Lost" team to resurrect the franchise, which was all but dead after too many TV spinoffs and humdrum movies. Abrams also enlists an array of no-name actors to play James T. Kirk, Mr. Spock and other beloved characters from the original TV series.

Most of these actors are ideal for their roles. Zachary Quinto as the conflicted Spock is especially well cast, as is the comely Zoe Saldana as Uhura. On the other hand, Karl Urban plays Dr. McCoy as a shrill caricature that would be more suitable for an "SNL" sketch.

The "Star Trek" story concerns a renegade Romulan named Nero who's driven by a need for vengeance. Unlike the villain in "Khan," Nero has it out for Spock, not Kirk. And if a few million people and entire planets die along the way, so it goes.

Nero's rampage is the catalyst through which the young Kirk and Spock convene on the USS Enterprise. Their respective back stories are compelling, so much so that the audience may find themselves wanting a bit more of how these people came to be who they are.

As he has with "Lost," Abrams plays with the boundaries of time itself in "Star Trek." This conceit allows Abrams and his team to rewrite the lore of the original series. The surprising results (a shipboard romance comes to mind) will irritate some fans. But this is exactly what "Star Trek" needs to do to matter again.

Yes, Abrams recognizes "Trek" history by including Leonard Nimoy, the original Spock, in a prominet role. Yet Nimoy remains the lone link between this film and the 1960s series and the movies it spawned. "Star Trek" is therefore a true reboot, and it will be interesting to see where Abrams take the series where no "Trek" has gone before.

DULLARD RATING: Rocks.

UPDATE: Nimoy talks about the new movie and more in this interview.

Charles Emerson Winchester is gay

2009-05-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

David Ogden Stiers of TV's "M*A*S*H" comes out. We're happy for him, but we still want to know what he could have done to stop the preachiness of the last few seasons of the show.

Someone controls electric guitar

2009-05-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

Rare guitars are popping up for sale thanks to the recession.

Speaking of that stringed instrument, here are the lyrics to the wackiest song about guitars.

Kelly McGillis has no interest in top guns

2009-04-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

The actress says she's a lesbian.

LISTS: Top 10 imperatively titled Pink Floyd songs

2009-04-18T10:00:00.001-07:00

Pink Floyd, like R.E.M., is a band that likes to tell listeners what to do. Perhaps that's a reflection of Roger Waters' famously imperious style. Yet he didn't write all of these songs, and one is from the band's post-Waters era.

So here are the top 10 imperatively titled Pink Floyd songs, based on the wisdom of the advice and the quality of the song:

1. Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Sun

2. Have A Cigar

3. Breathe

4. Run Like Hell

5. Take Up Thy Stethoscope and Walk

6. Stay

7. Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Desert

8. Let There Be More Light

9. See Emily Play

10. Keep Talking

The war on denim

2009-04-17T16:42:00.000-07:00

George Will launches attack on blue jeans and those who wear them. Huh?

Dave Arneson is no longer with us

2009-04-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

The co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons has died at age 62. He may not be as famous as Gary Gygax (who died last year) but is equally mourned by the true gamers, if not more so.

Padma Lakshmi eats a hamburger

2009-04-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

Kinda gross, yet oddly compelling. Also available in an extended version.

Maurice Jarre is no longer with us

2009-03-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

The film composer, known for the "Witness" soundtrack and countless others, has died at age 84. So it goes.

Naughty Monkey

2009-03-27T12:23:00.000-07:00

Here's an odd little ventriloquist act. NSFW.

If you like pina coladas

2009-03-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

The New York Times has an interesting column about how your choice of drink reflects on you and how people order their adult beverages for fear of judgment.

I don't live in such fear. I'm more of a beer and wine person, with the occasional margarita or gin and tonic in the summer. I also enjoy a Franko martini on the happy occasions that he and I are in the same location. I have yet to drink a White Russian.

Ron Paul gets punked

2009-03-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

As if being chided by us wasn't enough, now the former presidential candidate is a target of seduction in the upcoming "Bruno" movie.

Oh, Ron Paul. Will you ever win?

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Dullards!

2009-03-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

Drink a Guinness on the brewery's 250th anniversary.

Newspapers

2009-03-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Thinking the Unthinkable.

Happy Pi Day, Dullards!

2009-03-14T06:09:00.001-07:00

Pi is good. So is House of Pies, and so is Pie Town, New Mexico.

"Seinfeld" cast to be curbed

2009-03-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

The core cast from "Seinfeld" will appear on several episodes of the next season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm." No word on when that season will begin airing, however.

Paul Harvey is no longer with us

2009-02-28T20:11:00.001-08:00

The radio broadcaster has died at age 90. I recall hearing him whenever driving with my grandfather, who was a big fan.

So it goes — and good day.

Kraken chaos on the Santa Monica Pier

2009-02-26T17:39:00.001-08:00

An octopus opens a valve at the aquarium, causing a flood.

Former Gitmo guard on what went down

2009-02-15T21:33:00.000-08:00

Putting this here to read when I have better internet access, but from the summary posted, it looks like some Very Bad Things went on at Gitmo.

Worst song ever? Only time will tell

2009-02-13T16:45:00.000-08:00

Picking the worst song in the history of rock music is no easy task. There's plenty to choose from.

The entire catalogs for Mr. Mister, Kansas or Toto come to mind. All certainly awful, but the worst? Jethro Tull's "Aqualung" is wretched as well, but any "poor old sod" would have to admit that it's fun to sing along with. And forget about all of those one-hit wonders. That one-hit thing is a redeeming factor, even for "In the Year 2525," "Billy, Don't Be A Hero" or "Take On Me."

Instead, we submit "Only Time Will Tell" by Asia as the worst song in the history of rock. The band's "supergroup" label is one strike against the song, which was released in 1982. The fact that Asia has a geographically based name is another. But wait, there's more:

The music: "Only Time Will Tell" is a piece of corporate prog-rock, a cynical attempt at radio airplay on stations that played what was then known as album-oriented rock. It also has cowbell. The song opens with a dated '80s synth part that is even more painful to hear now. It then switches to a bone-crunching guitar riff, then settling into a marching pace that seems designed to appeal to goose-stepping stormtroopers. Indeed, the song has a spirit-killing, soulless feel.

The lyrics: With the title itself a cliche, "Only Time Will Tell" is a petulant and spiteful rant by a rock star who feels wronged by a woman. The song's singer, John Wetton, is put out by his wayward lover. Portraying himself as the "starry-eyed" victim in this failed romance, Wetton decries her "insincerity," even as his own unconvincing vocal performance exposes that it is he who is most likely the insincere one in the relationship. Of course, in Wetton's view, the passage of time will vindicate him and condemn the one who dared leave him. It's a result as "sure as the sun will cross the sky" — another cliche.

For these reasons, we offer "Only Time Will Tell" as the worst song in the historia del rock. Watch the horrible video (with an unexplained appearance by a gymnast) and see if you agree. We're open to other nominations, of course.

Happy birthday, Creed Bratton!

2009-02-08T06:39:00.000-08:00

The "Office" character and real-life musician is 66 today. Enjoy some "Creed thoughts" here.

Lux Interior is no longer with us

2009-02-05T04:59:00.000-08:00

The Cramps singer has died at age 60. So it goes.

I wonder if he ever got an answer to the question, "Can Your Pussy Do the Dog?" See him ask it here.

Lisa Loeb weds

2009-02-01T15:22:00.000-08:00

Dullard hearts are broken as the "Stay" singer gets hitched. The lucky guy is a music supervisor for Conan O'Brien's show.

Related post here.

Possible Dullard Feat of Strength

2009-02-01T07:21:00.000-08:00

Create and consume your own Bacon Man.

UN official: Enough evidence to prosecute Rumsfeld for war crimes

2009-01-27T16:45:00.001-08:00

Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease.

Diamond Dave meets Asteroids

2009-01-27T16:25:00.001-08:00

Play it, but watch out for the little Sammy Hagar saucers. (Some language NSFW.)

Chill out at the Super Bowl

2009-01-18T16:58:00.000-08:00

Football is a game best played and enjoyed in cold weather. Yet its biggest game, the Super Bowl, is played in a warm-weather city (such as Tampa) or in a domed stadium (such as Detroit's Ford Field). This must change, and here is why:

1. Football is a physical, even brutal, game. Part of the test is the ability to play within the elements. What better test of a team than to require them to take the field on a brutally cold day? The team that can "man up" to the weather deserves to benefit from this feat of strength.

2. True fans love cold weather. Many of those in attendance at a chilly game revel in the conditions by wearing facepaint and little else. It's a show of bravery and devotion, albeit sometimes grotesque as well.

3. TV viewers, sitting in the comfort of their own homes, love watching a cold-weather game. A Super Bowl played amid snow flurries would be more interesting to see than one played in the sterile environment of a dome.

4. The history of the NFL is steeped in cold weather. The most storied game in the lore of the league is the Ice Bowl between Green Bay and Dallas. It gave rise to the delightfully redundant phrase "frozen tundra of Lambeau Field." That phrase has become a part of our popular culture.

For these reasons, we propose that the Super Bowl be played in a cruel, cold environment. Here are some possible host cities known for their miserable winters:

— Boise, Idaho
— Buffalo, New York
— Chicago, Illinois
— Lincoln, Nebraska
— New York, New York
— Washington, D.C.

More on cold weather and pro football here.

Circuit City will no longer be with us

2009-01-16T15:10:00.000-08:00

All remaining stores will close, with 30,000 people losing their jobs. So it goes.

Hang 'em high

2009-01-16T12:11:00.000-08:00

Damn skippy, Krugman.

KHHAAAAAAANNNNN!

2009-01-14T13:28:00.000-08:00

Dead. So it goes.

Possible Dullard Feat of Strength

2009-01-11T13:08:00.000-08:00

Walk across this bridge in Japan.

Thank God your martini isn't from Friday's

2009-01-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

A sad tale of a failed martini.

Defloration Etiquette

2009-01-09T17:09:00.000-08:00

With illustrations by Edward Gorey.

Update: Seems to have been taken down, probably for being a copyright infringement (albeit of a long out-of-print book). I'll leave this up to see if it comes back....

Happy birthday, Jimmy Page!

2009-01-09T05:01:00.000-08:00

The occult-dabbling guitarist of Led Zeppelin fame turns 65 today. And it looks like that Led Zep tour without singer Robert Plant won't happen after all. Whew!

Ani DiFranco

2009-01-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

We like Ani.

In defense of Jimmy Carter

2009-01-05T17:32:00.000-08:00

A Christian Science Monitor columnist defends the lusty, peanut-farming president.

Scouting New York

2009-01-02T10:47:00.000-08:00

Some awesome photos from a NYC film location scout.

Putting the "mod" in "moderate consumption"

2008-12-31T15:11:00.000-08:00

To be someone must be a wonderful thing.

Wesley Crusher on Scrabble

2008-12-31T15:10:00.000-08:00

I've been a bit obsessive about the Scrabble app on Facebook. No quarter is expected, and none is given, even to my lovely wife who identifies all-too-closely with Wil Wheaton.

Aimee Mann's Xmas Carol

2008-12-31T15:09:00.001-08:00

Haven't viewed it yet, but it looks to be awesome.

Eartha Kitt is no longer with us

2008-12-28T17:55:00.000-08:00

The singer-actress-Catwoman has died at age 81. Read all of the year's obituaries of the great and near great here.

Merry Christmas, Dullards!

2008-12-24T09:59:00.000-08:00

Matthew's having a party!

2008-12-23T09:43:00.001-08:00

And you're not invited.

Makin' kraken

2008-12-22T17:13:00.001-08:00

This online tool lets you build your own personal squid.

Nurse Chapel is no longer with us

2008-12-19T05:00:00.001-08:00

Majel Roddenberry, who portrayed the mini-skirted nurse in the original "Star Trek," has died at age 76. She was also the voice of the ship computer.

Review: "Slumdog Millionaire"

2008-12-18T15:48:00.000-08:00

If you like "Lost," you will love "Slumdog Millionaire."

The movie shares the conceit as the TV show of various coincidences (or are they?) told in flashback, leading us to the make-or-break moment where love may or may not triumph. In addition, "Slumdog" advocates the idea that streets smarts may be better than book learnin'. It all works especially well thanks to director Danny "Trainspotting" Boyle and a groovy, Mumbai-infused soundtrack.

DULLARD RATING: Rocked! Even the top critics are with us.

Dolphins love wearing football helmets

2008-12-12T17:29:00.000-08:00

I love the fact that the Miami Dolphins have retained their core identity for their team logo. Nothing says kick-ass football like a dolphin wearing a helmet, even if the team stinks.

This list of uniform changes gone awry in pro sports gets it right. New England fumbled away a perfectly good logo when it got rid of the patriot hiking a football, and Tampa Bay should have kept the pirate with a dagger in his mouth.

Bettie Page is no longer with us

2008-12-12T08:35:00.001-08:00

The famed pinup of the 1950s has died at age 85. In her later years, she seemed affably baffled by her success.

Happy birthday, Doom!

2008-12-10T13:24:00.001-08:00

The first-person shooter was released 15 years ago today.

Bears.

2008-12-09T10:58:00.000-08:00

They're all about the love.

We remember Lennon

2008-12-08T09:17:00.001-08:00

John Lennon was shot 28 years ago today. We've discussed this sad anniversary before, so this year, we hand the mic to Howard Cosell.

This aggression will not stand, man

2008-12-03T17:42:00.000-08:00

A New York Times article notes the cool factor of the White Russian, some 10 years after the Dude drank them in "The Big Lebowski."

DULLARD TAKE: Despite several viewings of "Lebowski," I still haven't tried a White Russian. I look forward, however, to a movie that makes white zinfandel cool again. Or maybe rum and Coke. It worked for White Russians...

Happy Thanksgiving, Dullards!

2008-11-27T08:22:00.000-08:00

Shout Out

2008-11-24T14:55:00.000-08:00

Jealous of Noah's blog, God now has a Facebook profile.

Huh.

2008-11-24T14:51:00.001-08:00

What a strange little species we are.

Your first Bond?

2008-11-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

What was the first Bond movie you saw?

Mine was "The Spy Who Loved Me," which I enjoyed at the Interstate Six Theater. As a 10-year-old, I was spooked by Jaws and smitten with Barbara Bach.

See them in action here.

Shout out

2008-11-17T13:28:00.000-08:00

My boy Noah has a blog.

Is your cat trying to kill you?

2008-11-14T15:45:00.000-08:00

Or merely biding its time until it ultimately decides to kill you?

Moore disses the modern Bond

2008-11-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

Roger Moore of 007 fame doesn't like the violence in the recent James Bond movies: "My Bond was a lover and a giggler."

DULLARD TAKE: This reminds us to add Moore to the list of people who have been old for as long as we've been alive. Thanks, Roger!

'Opus' is no longer with us

2008-11-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

The comic strip comes to an end about five years after its much-hyped debut. Cartoonist Berkeley Breathed indicates that the titular character could live on, however.

DULLARD TAKE: "Bloom County" was great in the 1980s as it positioned itself as "Doonesbury" with an edge. But "Opus" never really worked, and perhaps it's best that the penguin retire once and for all.

You heard it here last

2008-11-04T20:56:00.000-08:00

Obama wins. If you are pleased with this result, cut loose like the Ewoks would.

Famous people who have always been old

2008-11-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

Let's face it: Some of us Dullards aren't getting any younger. Yet there are many famous people who have been old for as long as we've been alive.

Here are some of those people. To qualify for the list, each person has to be 1) alive 2) noteworthy 3) commonly perceived as "old" for the past 30-odd years.

Bea Arthur, actress
Ed Asner, actor
Ernest Borgnine, actor
Helen Gurley Brown, writer
Robert Byrd, senator
Dick Cavett, writer and TV personality
Walter Cronkite, TV anchor
Richard Dawson, game show host
Phyllis Diller, comedian
Hugh Downs, TV anchor
Betty Ford, former First Lady
Billy Graham, evangelist
Jack Klugman, actor
Jack LaLanne, fitness freak
Christopher Lee, actor
Karl Malden, actor
George McGovern, politician
Roger Moore, actor
Harry Morgan, actor
John McCain, politician
Ed McMahon, TV sidekick
Andy Rooney, commentator
Mickey Rooney, actor
Daniel Schorr, journalist
Margaret Thatcher, former leader of Great Britain
Helen Thomas, journalist
Abe Vigoda, actor
Barbara Walters, TV anchor
Betty White, actress
John Wooden, basketball coach
Bill Wyman, bass player

Confidential to cowardly sign thief

2008-11-03T12:56:00.000-08:00

Hey Asshat,

I appreciate that you are a supporter of Prop 8, and respect your right to be wrong on that issue. But stealing the No on 8 sign out of my yard is actual suppression of my right to free speech. I assume you are a good Christian who opposes gay marriage on religious grounds -- but I'd like to point out that your own God probably would not want you stealing signs in order to win an election. In fact, I believe He wrote you pretty specific instructions about such behavior. Perhaps you didn't get the original memo, as it was written in stone and doesn't travel easily. But even I, a godless heathen, have been forwarded a copy of it and I suggest you start working on some serious CYA before your next meeting with Him.

That is all.

Happy Halloween, Dullards!

2008-10-31T05:45:00.000-07:00

A playlist for trick or treating:

— "Boris the Spider," The Who (spooky bass and vocal by the Ox)
— "Monster Mash," Bobby Pickett (just embrace it even if it is overplayed)
— "Ghostbusters," Ray Parker Jr. (you're gonna call Bill Murray, that's who)
— "Bela Lugosi's Dead," Bauhaus (if you go goth, go here)
— "Vampire Girl," Jonathan Richman (antidote to Bauhaus)
— "One of These Days," Pink Floyd (as in "one of these days, I'm going to cut you into little pieces")
— "Scary Monsters," David Bowie (and super creeps)
— "Hell," Squirrel Nut Zippers (get fitted for a suit of flame)
— "I Put A Spell On You," Screamin' Jay Hawkins (stranger than paradise)
— "I Walked With A Zombie," Roky Erickson (undead before undead was cool)
— "Thriller," Michael Jackson (Jacko meets Vincent Price)
— "Werewolves of London," Warren Zevon (and his hair was perfect)

Happy Diwali, Dullards!

2008-10-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

Biden kicks ass

2008-10-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

Biden gives the smackdown to a biased reporter from Orlando's WFTV:

My brother Scott recently attended a Biden campaign event and came away a big fan. Perhaps he can be cajoled into sharing his observations here?

Larry David on the election

2008-10-22T16:56:00.000-07:00

It's like waiting for results of a biopsy, only worse.

Possible Dullard Feat of Strength

2008-10-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

Spend $150,000 on clothes, like Sarah Palin and the RNC did.

Bondo

2008-10-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

The Times Online has a list of the top off-target Bond moments. It's a lengthy list that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. I re-watched Diamonds are Forever this past weekend, and man, is that a lousy piece of cinema. Daniel Craig's turn in Casino Royale indicates the producers are on track to let Bond live up to the potential the franchise always showed; but I'll wager that by the third or forth film they'll be back to ridiculous stunts and worse puns.

It's like vampire movies -- they're hardly ever any good, but I just like the concept for some reason, and every once in a while a watchable vamp flick comes along and temporarily renews my faith in the genre.

But, like all genre works, too many hacks enter the field because the tropes of the genre seem obvious enough that it shouldn't take a Hemingway to make a good zombie movie, or Western, or space opera.

Except that it does. Sue Grafton may outsell Dashiell Hammett, but no one's going to be reading her fifty years from now.

More Dullard takes on Bond here and here.

Zima is no longer with us

2008-10-22T10:46:00.001-07:00

The "malternative" beverage is no longer in production and will vanish from store shelves by the end of the year — or will it?

Spinal Nuge

2008-10-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

Interviewer: So, um, are you a sexist person?

The Nuge: I'm very sexy.

Debate moderators we'd like to see

2008-10-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

Lehrer, Ifill, Brokaw and Schieffer. The moderators for the presidential debates in the 2008 campaign have been soporific duds. Here are some moderators we'd like to see:

Sarah Silverman
Larry David
Mindy Kaling (Kelly of TV’s “The Office”)
Michael Musto
Chris Rock
Ali G/Borat/Bruno
Michael Stipe
David Byrne
Spalding Gray (will require resurrection)
Sandra Day O’Connor
Samuel L. Jackson
Richard Simmons
Steve Jobs
Maureen Dowd
Meryl Streep
Charlie Kaufman (screenwriter of “Being John Malkovich” fame)
John Malkovich
Tina Fey
Pam Anderson
Chris Berman (of ESPN fame)
Michael Buffer (of “let’s get ready to rumble” fame)
Stephen Hawking
David Lee Roth
J.K. Rowling
Brangelina
Salma Hayek
Kevin Smith (writer/director of “Clerks” fame)
Denzel Washington
Padma Lakshmi
Joe the Plumber

Nine Most Useless Greatest Hits Albums

2008-10-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

Some easy marks here, but if there's one thing Dullards like, it's snarky pop-culture lists.

Kraken finds work

2008-10-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

Will, one hopes, devour Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

All apologies

2008-10-14T11:34:00.000-07:00

A headline on CNN's site caught my eye:

Tim McGraw apologizes for album

I'm not familiar with McGraw, but based on what I do know, he could probably have a good reason to do this for every album in his catalog. Here, however, McGraw is telling his fans that he is sorry that his record company put out another "greatest hits" album.

At least McGraw has the integrity to express his regrets. What other bands have reason to apologize for dud albums? Here are some suggestions, based on the idea that these are decent artists who dropped a piece of crap on fans and never said they were sorry for doing so:

Republic, New Order
Presence, Led Zeppelin
Give 'Em Enough Rope, The Clash
Give My Regards to Broad Street, Paul McCartney
Mighty Like A Rose, Elvis Costello
Never Let Me Down, David Bowie
Kill Uncle, Morrissey
The Spaghetti Incident?, Guns N' Roses
A Momentary Lapse of Reason, Pink Floyd
Monster, R.E.M.
It's Hard, The Who

Fraud at box office!

2008-10-07T16:58:00.001-07:00

Why did the conservative comedy "An American Carol" crater in its opening weekend? Fraud at the box office committed by liberal ushers, of course, as Wonkette tells us.

DULLARD TAKE: There's no conspiracy here. The marketplace has spoken, just as it did with "Battlefield Earth."

I'm kinda gonna miss her come November

2008-10-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

Sarah likes lists, too!

Obama's victory firming up

2008-10-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

According to some left-wing whackjob.

McCain/Fey

2008-10-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that the McCain campaign really should just bump Palin off the ticket in favor of Tina Fey. Half the country won't even notice; she'll make many fewer idiotic gaffes to the press; and could probably actually do a decent job.

Or even better if Obama replaced Biden with Fey, and Fey could debate Palin, in character, just repeating everything Palin says.

Pop hit demographics

2008-09-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

Do you like graphs? Here are some graphs relating to genre and geography for pop hits since the 50s.

Chunnel! The Musical

2008-09-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

Why not — they made "Rochelle, Rochelle" into a musical.

She's just like us!

2008-09-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

And I shouldn't be vice president, either.

Beetles

2008-09-24T16:27:00.001-07:00

Here's a really interesting series of posts on Beatle sound-alikes.

Huh.

2008-09-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

Roger Ebert is a creationist. Whod'a thunk it?

Update: Apparently, some kind of sociological experiment.

Bailing out foreign banks, too?

2008-09-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

It takes at least 2 parties to make a bad loan. In the case of these unrealistic mortgages, those 2 parties are your average citizen, probably unable to comprehend a 300+ page legal document, if they even bothered to read half of what they signed; and the banks, run by armies of lawyers and MBAs who drafted those agreements and are paid to know better. The people our taxes are bailing out unless the Dems grew a pair over the weekend) are the MBAs, lawyers, CEO, etc., not the homeowners. And the funny part is, if Phil Gramm (McCain's "unofficial" financial advisor) gets his way, we'll be bailing out foreign banks as well. All the while, John McCain hasn't said boo about all this since declaring our economic fundamentals to be strong.

If you're planning to vote for the Republican ticket to go in and clean up this Republican mess, I really don't want any of what you've been smoking.

I'm not sure it makes sense to bail out US banks for making irresponsible investments. But I'm not a smart man when it comes to money. Supposing there is a benefit to the country to not let our financial institutions collapse -- how does it make sense for me to pay to bail out foreign banks, too?

How to make Dullard Chicken

2008-09-19T16:17:00.001-07:00

Dullard Chicken, a variation on chicken fingers, is a great dish for grups and kids alike, and it's easy to make. Plus, it's baked, not fried, so it's better for you than a McNugget.

Here's our secret recipe. This serves two adults, and it takes about 30 minutes to prepare.

INGREDIENTS

About a pound of boneless chicken breast. Splurge and get the good stuff from Whole Foods. You don't have to justify it.
Bread crumbs. We prefer them without high fructose corn syrup.
Honey mustard dressing. Ranch will do too, though the honey mustard gives the dish a little bit of tang.

PREPARATION

Slice the chicken into bite-size strips.
Pour some dressing onto a small plate. Do the same with the bread crumbs.
Dip each strip into the dressing. Then roll them in the crumbs.
Pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees.
Place each strip on a pizza pan, as seen here. Place into the oven and bake for 12 minutes.

PLATE

Add green beans or other colorful vegetable.
Cornbread or other bread completes the meal.
The chicken is tasty as is, especially if you used honey mustard dressing. You may certainly add ketchup, salsa or another condiment.
Wash it down with your favorite red wine.

BEFORE OR AFTER DINNER

Enjoy a martini.

She just enjoys lying

2008-09-19T12:35:00.000-07:00

There's no reason to have to lie to a softball tosser like Sean Hannity. I think she either plain enjoys the physical sensation of lying, or is so used to it she can't help herself any longer.

That's what Michael Scott said

2008-09-18T13:59:00.001-07:00

With the season debut of "The Office" just a week away, here's a way to get back into that Dunder Mifflin frame of mind.

Thank goodness for Michael Scott — he took a sophomoric phrase and made it OK to say again, in an ironic kind of way.

Doing that was no easy feat. That's what she said!

Worse than you thought

2008-09-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin may actually be an even worse fundamentalist nutter than you may have first thought, if this Kossack's theory holds true. It seems pretty plausible to me.

I think Palin's views on reproductive rights are SO far outside of the mainstream that the more they are revealed, the less we need to worry about the damage a McCain/Palin administration could do to America and the world.

Of course I usually overestimate the intelligence and decency of the American voter....

Rick Wright is no longer with us

2008-09-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

The Pink Floyd keyboardist has died of cancer age 65. So it goes.

This NPR appreciation describes Wright's role in the band pretty well.

Cressbeckler-Gershon '08

2008-09-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

Here's our dream ticket for the White House. What do we have to do to get these two to run together?

The Onion offers Joad Cressbeckler for president:

Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain

Gina Gershon offers herself as Sarah Palin for vice president: