“Revenge of the Sith” and “Desperate Housewives” were at the top of hype heap this week. The Empire and Wisteria Lane have more in common than you might think: Both melodramas hinge on fractured families, assorted betrayals, unintended pregnancies and quick deaths.
Which finale fared better? Overall, which saga satisfies? In a key entertainment tilt replete with spoilers, we break it down for you, Dullard-style:
SURPRISE FACTOR: We knew the Sith story walking in; even George Lucas has referred to it as “Titanic in Space.” Yes, Darth Vader turned to the Dark Side, and not for entirely convincing reasons. We knew flipping on the TV that at least one Housewife character would die, but which one? That was more of a shocker, and we aren’t even sure that character really died since we didn’t see it with our own eyes. Advantage: Housewives.
SEXY FACTOR: Natalie Portman vs. Eva Longoria. ‘Nuff said. Advantage: Housewives.
DIALOG: “Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo” or “Rex cries after he ejaculates.” Advantage: Housewives.
MUSIC: John Williams is obviously beyond his glory years, but Danny Elfman’s “Housewives” theme is self-derivative. Advantage: Push.
SPECIAL EFFECTS: Much has been made of the technological achievements at Lucasfilm, and Sith has its share of eye-popping moments. Still, it leaves us a little cold. Meanwhile, the Housewives crew is working overtime to put the best faces possible on well-worn Teri Hatcher and Nicolette Sheridan. Advantage: Housewives.
FINAL BATTLE: Obi-Wan vs. Darth in the lava fields was pretty cool, carried off with style thanks to the hard-working Ewan McGregor. Delfino vs. Young at the quarry was more talk and not enough action. Advantage: Sith.
RESOLUTION: Lucas worked it all together, in a somewhat haphazard way, and finally pulled the threads pointing to Episode IV. This trilogy is definitely over. Give the Housewives credit, too. The show solved a lot more of the mystery than “The X-Files” or similar shows did, but still foisted a cliffhanger on us. Hey, there’s gotta be another season. Advantage: Sith.
DENOUEMENT: Both ended in trademark fashion: Sith in a swell of strings and no dialog; Housewives with a voiceover from the grave. Each plays to its strengths, but Sith's final scenes leave questions: If the Death Star is already well under construction when Luke is a baby, why is it just getting operational when he's a young adult, as seen in Episode IV? Isn't Tatooine the most obvious place to hide the child? His name is still Skywalker, yet he goes unnoticed for 20 years? Just how stupid is this Empire anyway? Advantage: Housewives.
FINAL ANALYSIS
“Desperate Housewives” — rocked
“Revenge of the Sith” — so-so
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