Lasik surgery will freak your sh!t out.

People like to re-assure you about how non-invasive Lasik is.

These people are lying. They are not your friends.

First you are flat on your back while the Robotron6000 sucks on your eyeball and turns your cornea into bubble-wrap.

After a half hour or so to give you time to confess all your mortal sins, Doctor Mengele straps you to a different table and tears the perforated sheet that is your cornea. Peeling it back so that the SharksWirthLaserBeams7000 can make a little lightshow in your eye socket, presumably burning out just the right bits of cornea to correct your vision, as long as you manage to REMAIN CALM, JUST BREATHE, AND FOR GOD'S SAKE KEEP FOCUSED ON THE BLINKING RED LIGHT. Finally Doctor Evil puts the corneal flap back down and bastes it with butter until it stops quivering.

It's only a total of about 20 minutes of terror, spread out over 2 hours. You think, "Oh, Valium, this will be fun." But the Valium only staves off the terror a bit. No flying poodles, dammit.

Man, I'm glad that's over.

Until Monday, when they replace the lens in my left eye.

Oh, and then 3-4 weeks later, when I get to have the Lasik again, on my left eye.

(Seriously, though, the vision in my right eye, apart from the haloing [which should subside] is already sharper at a distance than it has been in 30 years, even with glasses. And my doctor and his staff have been really great. They even offered me a teddy bear to squeeze while the Robotron6000 sucked on my eyeball; I don't think I would have made it through without the help of dear Captain Snuggles.)