Things you should know about me, many of which are true

I believe March Madness to be over-diagnosed and over-medicated by the medical community.

I've never punched a midget. I'm not even sure I'd like to at this point.

I believe Sandra Bullock is America's Sweetheart.

I have gifted at least three people with Ray Davies' short film Return to Waterloo. None of them, to my knowledge, have watched it.

When suitably excited, I can lift a mid-sized truck or van from off of a child's foot.

I own both a banjo and an accordion, in violation of local housing codes.

I love extravagantly. But I hate with the fury of a thousand suns.

I am largely unfamiliar with the stylistic characteristcs and lyrical tropes of Death Metal, yet I still assume it's a genre of music that is not for me.

I believe the works of Calvin Trillin to be underappreciated, and that they should remain so.

I like to believe that there is a man out there who can eat fifty eggs.

I believe Mormonism to be a fairly insane belief system, comfortably in the middle of conventional Christianity and Scientology on the craziness scale, but that, really, it's just a matter of splitting hairs when you get right down to it.

I have written over 3,000 duets for sousaphone and marimba, but the majority of them turned out to be unintentional rewrites of "Ida, Sweet as Apple Cider."

I retired from competitive badminton while still in my teens.

I really like pancakes, but have grave doubts as to their nutritional value.

As a child I killed for sport. As an adult I continue to kill, but only for sustenance, and do not take much pleasure in the act.

I believe that it takes a village to raise a child, and that it takes a nation of millions to hold us back. I am not sure what the intersection of these beliefs is, or if there is necessarily a conflict, but the two beliefs together cause me some level of cognitive dissonance, as well as bursitis.