Advanced decrepitude? Not here.

Check your "real age" here. I'm 40 going on 24.3.

Sweet!

Fox News attacks bloggers

The Dullard Gazette has dodged this assault — for now.

Dullard Feat of Strength

Play this game on the Web.

LISTS: Greatest movie robots

According to the Times of London. Replicants excluded (and rightly so) for being more human than human.

Back in the New York groove

I haven't bought music on vinyl in a long time and don't even own a turntable anymore. Yet I am still sentimental enough about the medium to enjoy thinking about record shopping the next time I am in NYC. This list will help me.

Kraken storm California!

Scientists warn of "a new, voracious predator."

Draft of Dullard '08 platform

Our possible platform for the 2008 campaign, open to revision and suggestion:

FOREIGN POLICY

• End the war in Iraq. Follow the Dullard Study Group plan outlined here.
• Push so-called allies such as Pakistan and Saudi Arabia to root out terrorism in their countries.
• Capture Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar.
• Require a budget statement be submitted to Congress on any pre-emptive military action so we can see the “bang for the buck” beforehand.
• Appoint Bill Clinton as ambassador to the United Nations so he can sweet-talk other countries into liking us again.

SCIENCE and TECHNOLOGY

• End the War on Science by funding stem-cell research, teaching evolution and recognizing the problem of climate change.
• Ask scientists to create a hot-water heater that can meet demand for an endless” shower. Everyone needs a long shower once in a while.
• Stop wasting money on manned missions to Mars. Ain’t nothin’ there but red dirt.
• Make it easier to send e-mail with attachments of more than 5MB. Nothing should ever bounce back because it’s “too big.”

COMMERCE

• Legalize marijuana and educate people on its ill effects. And tax it.
• Legalize prostitution and regulate it carefully. And tax it.
• Maintain Net neutrality.
• Simplify the income tax, but don't get all Steve Forbes on us.
  
• Index the minimum wage to inflation.

GOVERNMENT

• Get rid of the Electoral College. We're sick of Ohio being "the decider."
  
• Create a National Primary Day. New Hampshire and Iowa have had too much power for too long.

CIVIL LIBERTIES

• End the NSA wiretapping program.
• Revise and resubmit the Patriot Act.
• Stop equating immigration with terrorism — we all know that “border security” is just a code for “keep out the Mexicans.”
• Legalize same-sex marriage. The phrase “too bad he’s gay” is music to the ears of us hetero types.
• Keep abortion safe and legal.

CRIME and JUSTICE

• Ensure a “well-regulated” militia as prescribed in the Second Amendment by requiring licenses for handguns. Gun owners must also carry liability insurance and demonstrate competence with their weapons every five years — just like car owners do with their vehicles.
• Outlaw the death penalty. Life in prison is worse anyway.
• Appoint justices to the Supreme Court who aren't nuts.
• Revoke the tax-exempt status of Scientology and brings its ringleaders to justice.
  

HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES

• Create a system of universal health care. Sure, it will be complicated and expensive. But would it really be more complicated and expensive than the silly system we have now?
• Ban smoking in all public places, indoor and out. Heavy fines will be imposed on violators, especially those who discard their cigarettes on beaches and at playgrounds.

TRANSPORTATION

• Pass and vigorously enforce the Passenger Bill of Rights to stop the abuses of Big Air.
• Pass the Crash Hassle Fee: Drivers at fault in accidents that cause major traffic jams must pay a heavy fine for messing up our day.

ENVIRONMENT

• Invest in alternative energy: wind, solar, biofuels, etc. Yeah, we’ll consider nuclear too.
• Install waterless urinals in all government buildings. Use tax incentives to encourage businesses to do the same.
• Encourage pedestrian-friendly neighborhoods and mass transit.
• Force motorcyclists to muzzle their loud vehicles. If we can hear your bike from a block away, you get a ticket.
• Ban leaf-blowing machines.
• Allow citizen’s arrest of dog walkers who fail to scoop poop.

CULTURE and RECREATION

• Music featured in a movie’s trailer must be included in the actual movie — if a studio teases us with the theme from “Brazil,” they have to deliver it.
• Relieve Internet radio of the burden of high royalty fees.
• Require cable and satellite companies to allow “a la carte” service so we can choose which channels we actually care about.
• Require cable and satellite companies to include a channel that shows “The Big Lebowski” 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
• Review all public golf courses to see whether they can be converted to parks for all the people to use, not just players of a boring “sport.”
• Outlaw the Super Bowl halftime show. The Super Bowl itself will be allowed to continue — for now.

So. Are you with us or against us?

Bat Boy out of work

Bummer.

How many Megs do you need?

Here's something else to spend your money on: Flash drives that look like the White Stripes. Or just watch their latest video for free. Key lyrics:

Well, Americans:
What, nothin' better to do?
Why don't you kick yourself out?
You're an immigrant too.

Hillary Clinton's Cleavage

To display cleavage in a setting that does not involve cocktails and hors d'oeuvres is a provocation. Good to see the Washington Post's Style pages are every bit as insightful as their political coverage.

Keep those babies under wraps, ladies! Unless we're getting you likkered up!

College Chickenhawks

Shooting fish in a barrel. But some fish need shooting.

Bright Shiny Living Hell

I just wish HTML would let me put umlauts over the "e" in "hell."

All apologies from Mo Dowd

An especially funny column from the ever-clever Maureen Dowd of The New York Times.

Registration required, or try here for a one-time password. You didn't hear that from me. Just promise to buy the actual paper once in a while to make up for your sin.

Dewey Decimal dissed

A public library in Arizona drops Dewey in favor of Borders-style setup. It's the second time in a week that The New York Times has taken on issues and trends facing our nation's libraries — and the second time we've linked to the coverage.

Hinduism heckled in Senate

Christian activists in the gallery heckle a Hindu priest trying to give an invocation at the U.S. Senate. Watch the video here, but first enjoy this quote:

When you stand up and are arrested and the Hindu is allowed to go free, this country has gone upside-down.

Yes, if only "the Hindu" could be placed behind bars...

Rosie, you're no Kiki Dee

Rosie O'Donnell and Barry Manilow will team up for a cover of "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." It's part of Manilow's "greatest songs of the 1970s" project, which will also include his version of "Sailing" by Christopher Cross. (Wasn't that a hit in 1980?)

Take me away!

Lobsters don't rock

Reading a Wall Street Journal primer on how to kill a lobster reinforced my view about these creatures: They're hideous, like some horrible hybrid of centipede and spider, only with pinchers.

That's why I don't eat lobster.

Que es mas macho?

The kraken or Salman Rushdie? See which one Padma Lakshmi picked last month.

Let's get instrumental

Highlights of musicianship at the Live Earth concerts, via YouTube:

• A giddy Roger Waters does his best to turn the bass player into the primary stage presence on "Another Brick in the Wall."

• Madonna straps on a guitar on "Ray of Light," complete with a Thurston Moore feedback blast at the end.

• Crowded House still doesn't dream that it's over.

• And finally, Spinal Tap brings on every bass player in the house for a bottom-heavy take on "Big Bottom."

UPDATE: Some of these clips have been removed because of copyright issues. The Gazette apologizes for any inconvenience.

David Sedaris: This Old House

From The New Yorker.

Dewey Decimal chic

Librarians are cool, according to The New York Times.

Hey, Jack Kerouac

NPR gives us the back story on "On the Road" and the famous Kerouac scroll. Wash it down with some vintage 10,000 Maniacs.

Kobayashi dethroned

The streak is over. All hail Joey Chestnut, the man who ate 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

Blind, quadriplegic, struggling to breathe

This is why the crimes being comitted by this unlawful administration matter.

Happy 4th of July. Support our troops by ranting like an unhinged liberal until they are brought home (I don't know if it'll help, but it's all I got).

Blogging entertainment for the whole family

This cheesy site will rate your blog using the MPAA system. It says that the Dullard Gazette is as wholesome as Mary Poppins.

We'll try to throw in some language, brief nudity and adult situations to get it to PG-13 so we can make something at the box office.

iWant an iPhone

I'm a Mac user, but I am not automatically seduced by whatever Apple is offering. That's why I was skeptical of the iPhone. The $500 cost reminded me of the recent game consoles, with the overloaded and overpriced Playstation 3 flopping in the face of the cheaper and simpler Wii. Surely, this was another example of a company charging too much for a product that tried to do too much — and none of it well.

Then I saw an iPhone at work yesterday, and it was amazing. Slim and lightweight, yet substantial. Easy functionality and total intuitiveness. And fun. The only complaint this co-worker (a Windows person, by the way) had was with AT&T, which has been struggling to keep up with the iPhone demand for calling plans.

So I was wrong. The iPhone is great. And I apologize to Franko for any disparaging remarks I may have made about the Newton all those years ago.

Bush commutes Libby's prison sentence - CNN.com

OMG. They don't even care about appearances anymore.

So much for checks and balances.

I think that if you agree that Libby obstructed justice (which apparently the President does, as he commuted rather than pardoned) then I think you have to view the commuted sentence as endorsement of obstructing justice, if not downright conspiring to help obstruct justice.

I just hope an RNC email surfaces showing explicitly the deal that was at least implicit here -- that if Libby takes one for the team and doesn't sing, he'll never see the inside of a jail, and Bush will give him a full pardon as he leaves office.

Hammer time in Croatia

Part of Pink Floyd's "The Wall" imagines the rock concert as fascist rally. As a metaphor, it's not as compelling or believable as the personal "wall" built by the story's protaganist as a shield against perceived tormentors. This is probably why the double album effectively ends with "Comfortably Numb" — the remainder (known to old-timers as Side 4) comes across as overblown.

But now, thanks to this bit of news, I may have to rethink that view. Concert-goes in Croatia are giving Nazi salutes and wearing fascist garb. Unlike "The Wall," this is not intended as a criticism of hateful dictatorships, but a tribute. Ugh.