FOREIGN POLICY
- End the war in Iraq. Follow the Dullard Study Group plan outlined here.
- Push so-called allies such as Pakistan and Saudi Arabia to root out terrorism in their countries.
- Capture Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar.
- Require a budget statement be submitted to Congress on any pre-emptive military action so we can see the “bang for the buck” beforehand.
- Appoint Bill Clinton as ambassador to the United Nations so he can sweet-talk other countries into liking us again.
- End the War on Science by funding stem-cell research, teaching evolution and recognizing the problem of climate change.
- Ask scientists to create a hot-water heater that can meet demand for an endless” shower. Everyone needs a long shower once in a while.
- Stop wasting money on manned missions to Mars. Ain’t nothin’ there but red dirt.
- Make it easier to send e-mail with attachments of more than 5MB. Nothing should ever bounce back because it’s “too big.”
- Legalize marijuana and educate people on its ill effects. And tax it.
- Legalize prostitution and regulate it carefully. And tax it.
- Maintain Net neutrality.
- Simplify the income tax, but don't get all Steve Forbes on us.
- Index the minimum wage to inflation.
- Get rid of the Electoral College. We're sick of Ohio being "the decider."
- Create a National Primary Day. New Hampshire and Iowa have had too much power for too long.
- End the NSA wiretapping program.
- Revise and resubmit the Patriot Act.
- Stop equating immigration with terrorism — we all know that “border security” is just a code for “keep out the Mexicans.”
- Legalize same-sex marriage. The phrase “too bad he’s gay” is music to the ears of us hetero types.
- Keep abortion safe and legal.
- Ensure a “well-regulated” militia as prescribed in the Second Amendment by requiring licenses for handguns. Gun owners must also carry liability insurance and demonstrate competence with their weapons every five years — just like car owners do with their vehicles.
- Outlaw the death penalty. Life in prison is worse anyway.
- Appoint justices to the Supreme Court who aren't nuts.
- Revoke the tax-exempt status of Scientology and brings its ringleaders to justice.
- Create a system of universal health care. Sure, it will be complicated and expensive. But would it really be more complicated and expensive than the silly system we have now?
- Ban smoking in all public places, indoor and out. Heavy fines will be imposed on violators, especially those who discard their cigarettes on beaches and at playgrounds.
- Pass and vigorously enforce the Passenger Bill of Rights to stop the abuses of Big Air.
- Pass the Crash Hassle Fee: Drivers at fault in accidents that cause major traffic jams must pay a heavy fine for messing up our day.
- Invest in alternative energy: wind, solar, biofuels, etc. Yeah, we’ll consider nuclear too.
- Install waterless urinals in all government buildings. Use tax incentives to encourage businesses to do the same.
- Encourage pedestrian-friendly neighborhoods and mass transit.
- Force motorcyclists to muzzle their loud vehicles. If we can hear your bike from a block away, you get a ticket.
- Ban leaf-blowing machines.
- Allow citizen’s arrest of dog walkers who fail to scoop poop.
- Music featured in a movie’s trailer must be included in the actual movie — if a studio teases us with the theme from “Brazil,” they have to deliver it.
- Relieve Internet radio of the burden of high royalty fees.
- Require cable and satellite companies to allow “a la carte” service so we can choose which channels we actually care about.
- Require cable and satellite companies to include a channel that shows “The Big Lebowski” 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
- Review all public golf courses to see whether they can be converted to parks for all the people to use, not just players of a boring “sport.”
- Outlaw the Super Bowl halftime show. The Super Bowl itself will be allowed to continue — for now.
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