R&R Hall of Fame

It shouldn't exist in the first place, so it's silly to complain about the nominees. But still, c'mon, if you're going to have one, why not limit inductees to folks who actually play, I dunno, rock 'n' roll? This year's nominees are:

• Leonard Cohen. Allegedly brilliant poet. Canadian. Doesn't rock.


• The Beastie Boys. Crusaders for protecting our inallienable right to party, and rap pioneers. Not known for rocking.


• The Dave Clark Five. At least they were a band, who played instruments, with a singer and all. But their biggest hit was the rather fey and unrocking "Glad All Over." The Monkees, terrible actors, half of whom were also terrible musicians, deserve a spot before the Dave Clark Five.


• Madonna. I forget who said it, but she looks better than she sings, dances better than she looks, and we all have a cousin who dances better than she does. She's not untalented, but neither does she rock.


• Afrika Bambaataa. Maybe belongs in some hall of fame. Certainly a Hip-hop HOF. Maybe even a generalized "Popular Music HOF." But with the rocking, not so much.


• The Ventures. I guess, but there must be a few hundred bands deserving induction ahead of them.


• Chic. Nile Rogers is a brilliant producer. But disco is, if not the opposite of rock, at least the coke-fueled, fun-house-mirror-distorted bastard cousin with only the bad DNA of some of rock's worst elements, such as crowd-pandering and dancing.


• Donna Summer. No. See above, and just, no.


• John Mellencamp. Sadly, the most defensible nominee on the list, his best work sounds like a cross between Bruce Springsteen and Neil Diamond, and I don't mean that in a good way. Sold more records than the Ramones, but has any band of note cited him as an influence? Would the course of rock be changed if you could (mercifully) go back in time and erase all his master tapes? If you let Johnny Cougar in, it's hard to defend keeping Bryan Adams out. Except that Bryan Adams is Canadian.